I have just realized once again that
what my compulsions, which I had since childhood, actually made sense. Many then ask themselves, what is the point of this, that's just sick.
Bullshit. Everything has a reason why it is there. But too many still tend to make everything that does not fit into the system fit, instead of looking at what it is, what the task is and to promote it if necessary, because it is not sick at all, but there are not lived abilities hidden behind.
I notice again and again how fast I actually am. In everything I do, it actually comes zack zack. As if shot from a pistol.
Next comes the mind, old patterns, sentences like:
"Child do this slowly and properly, otherwise you will do something wrong or mistakes will creep in."
"It can't be that you're done yet. Check it again, not that you've missed something or what's wrong."
So I became an insecure snail. Took an awful lot of time to control everything and lost confidence in myself.
That was one reason for the presence of constraints. The second reason is the lack of confidence in oneself because it has been stifled again and again.
"You're just imagining it. "
Sometimes I still catch myself trying to slow down so as not to be faster than others "because that can't be", but I immediately realize it and I go on.
I used to put this pent-up energy into controlling so as not to attract attention, to be as slow as others around me. The inner urge to go on was completely faded out. All the energy that actually wanted to get out was accumulated. How that feels I don't need to describe in more detail.
In one of my therapies back then, I started writing fairy tales to let out pent-up energy. But even that was not enough.
Only when I began to follow my impulses and my perception at my own pace, the constraints lost their meaning. I didn't need them anymore.
Don't think, perceive. Make. Continue.
That was and is always a challenge for me, because a lot of things run in the background. A trust in myself gradually came back and it turned into knowledge. I know and do.
Every now and then the mind speaks up with a small voice "That can't be!" But then I smile, know that I don't have to believe that and say: Oh but I'm so fast, even if you don't like it. It's great for me."
Of course, this is not welcome in the majority of society. Above all: "Yes, that's so easy to say. It's a disease, it can't be that easy." No, it is clear, everything that is not "normal" is a disease. There is medication for this, so that everyone runs at the same pace. But it's up to you to do it differently for yourself or for your children. To stand by you, no matter what everyone around you says. To promote you. Your gifts. Your children's. In the beginning, it feels like shit. And expect everyone to want to slow you down. But it is up to you to live, to follow your energy or to adapt. There comes the inner child in you and your personal responsibility, which you now have towards yourself and your child. Earlier when you were little, you were programmed to "be slow, adapt". Now you can do it as it is good for you and be an invitation for others.
That was one of the constraints. To slow me down in order not to be too fast, to belong, not to be alone. But I was lonelier than ever before because I cut off a part of myself. Most of me.
What have you cut off from yourself?
Do you need support in discovering your unlived abilities?
Then feel free to contact me.